I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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