he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
