I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
