apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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