i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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