just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
