It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
