Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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