You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
