Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
