you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
