I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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