I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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