Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
