You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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