Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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