I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
