She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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