i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
