I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize