There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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