I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
