if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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