My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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