you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
false alarm. still invincible.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
