Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize