his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
