Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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