I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
