Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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