my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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