I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
