I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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