Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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