Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
