I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
