Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
