If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
