My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
