look no pants
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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