I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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