you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
