also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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