My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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