You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
