i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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