i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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