Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
