before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
