I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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