long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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