i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
