Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
