You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize