I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
