everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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